50 Ways to Annoy Hermione Granger
by InsanelyWitchyMarauderette
Summary: The Gryffindor Princess of Hogwarts. WARNING: Includes extreme bad hair days, librarians screaming, bushy hair, and most dangerous, ALICE! R&E
1. Mione

IWM Presents to thee reader…

**50 WAYS TO ANNOY HERMIONE GRANGER!**

I stood behind Hermione Granger, Gryffindor princess, One third and all female of the Golden Trio, and lastly, but most accurate, know it all.

I blew out a breath, saying, "Mione"

She turned around.

"What?", her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Nothing, Mione", I put up my most wide eyed, innocent expressions.

"I'm not Mione", her expression was flat.

"Of course you aren't, Mione", I twiddled my fingers at her.

"Stop calling me that!", Now she sounded like Whiney Mione.

"Mione!", she cringed.

"Mione, Mione, Mione!", I yelled.

"ALICE!"

"MIONE!"

**Ah, my fifth annoyee…R&E&R!**


	2. Incriminating Hairbrushes

**Second chapter WOOT!**

I snuck up behind the burgundy, extremely poofy armchair Hermione was sitting in.

I wielded a big hairbrush.

It was a nice silvery color and had extra fine teeth.

I climbed the back of it and teetered dangerously on the head rest as I gently pushed the hair brush into her poofy mane of hair as she bent over a parchment covered in her teeny writing.

Taking a deep breath, I yanked the brushed through her hair quickly.

"AGH!", she screamed.

I looked in amazement at the extremely small bald patch I gave her.

She felt the back of her head as she turned to me.

As her hands narrowed onto the bald patch, so did her eyes.

At the guilty weapon of torture, which now have hair which was obviously hers, entangled neatly.

I threw it over my shoulder and looked as innocent as can be while the other Gryffindors laughed.

"ALICE!"

"I was trying to help!", I whined as I poofed.

Multitasking of the future, people!

**Bwahahahahahahahaha! Cupcakes are awesome.**


	3. My very own, Dramione

So I'm going to try and update about two-three chapters per day. Special thanks to all my reviewers, and that person who faved AND alerted. You know who you are…

"HEY HERMIONEEE!", I yelled as I skipped into the library.

Madam Pince glared at me for a moment, before turning back to her book repair station.

I just stared in awe as she repaired the book with her wand and some wet wipes.

"Wow…Now where was I?", I shook my head to clear it. Hey, I got a crush on good novels, OK!

"Looking for Hermione Granger", She wiped a line of dust off the jacket.

I found Hermione shortly and set my laptop in front of her eyes, on top of her History of Magic Essay.

"How does your laptop work?", she asked suspiciously.

"Dumbledore gave it to me", I said, as innocent as can be as she turned to read the one shot which I wrote, proudly, by myself.

"GAK!", she yelled the minute she finished.

"MS. GRANGER!", Madam Pince sent glares through her awesomely loud voice.

"Aw, and I spent so long to write it! Though I have good rev—", I was cut off as Hermione grabbed me by my bony, pointy shoulders and shook me"

"Er, Madam Pince", I said.

"Yes, Ms. Santiago?", she looked up from a torn book.

"You'll have to change Ms. Granger into Mrs. Malfoy"

"What?", she looked utterly perplexed.

"I'm putting a plot bunny up for adoption, you see, and—"

"ALICE!", Guess.

"MRS MALFOY!", Told you about the angry librarian, didn't I?

"Wha—" Who else?

"BYE!", the most awesome person ever in the world.

I DO have a Dramione oneshot on my profile; check it out. Also you can take that onesie idea. Just tell me in a review or PM. You can take it, but if you answer this question right you get mentioned, no research allowed:

Who is the Girl on Fire?


	4. The fan to do List

"NEW DEVELOPMENT!", I yelled, pushing aside various Students to get to Hermione, who was seated on the bench, doing homework.

Honestly, how much homework can you do? I do all my homework in as much time as I get.

I held out my laptop, as she moved over so I could squeeze on to the bench.

It wasn't very squeezed, because both of us are a bit bony.

Hermione winced as she read the list, and I kept my face very, very emotionless.

After we finished and Hermione made horrified faces at number three, I stood up on the bench and read the list.

Curious? Here:

1. You get pissed (at least a little) at any Hermione/other shipper. (Especially Hermione/Ron.)

2. When re-reading Deathly Hallows, you purposefully skip the Hermione/Ron kiss.

3. You think that every little curly-haired blonde kid is Draco and Hermione's child.

4. Even if a Dramione fic completely SUCKS, you respect them for trying anyway.

5. You admire all other enemy-to-couple ships out there because they are so much like Dramione.

6. You truly believe that Draco secretly enjoyed the punch Hermione gave him.

7. It makes your day when your favorite Dramione author posts another chapter and you get that update alert email.

8. You noticed that Dramione is the only cute HP couple name that isn't slash.

Everyone started to laugh uncontrollably as _two_ voices shouted.

"ALICE!"

"You understand each other so well!", I yelled.

And then I poofed…

**And you know you write too much of one action if you got poofed added to your computer dictionary.**

**Look Reader, no squigglies!**


	5. Unmentioned Photoshop

I jumped into the Great Hall during Breakfast.

"HERMIONEEEEEEE!", I yelled, hiding the paper behind my back.

"What? I'm eating", she snapped.

"You and Draco loooooooove each other!", I yelled.

"For. The. Last. Time. NO!", she shouted the last word.

"I think someone needs another hug from Draco!", I sang.

"Any way, I got PROOF!", I pulled out my photo print out dramatically.

It was a picture of Draco with his arms wrapped around Hermione, who was held in front of him.

He was shirtless and Hermione was pants less.

She blushed scarlet and said, "Where the hell did you get this bloody photo!"

I pointed to Hermione dramatically and announced, "PROOF! Now pay it, Weasley and Weasley!", the twins reluctantly flipped me a sickle each.

"ALICE!"

**Special Mention from Ch. 3 GOES to: Marauders-Fred and George XD  
**


	6. Closed

**I'm writing with Harry P font, just because it makes me feel good...**

Hermione was whistling as she packed up her school bag to the bursting point with books and an extra set of clothes or two.

I went up behind her quietly, and asked loudly, "Hermione, didn't you know?", I asked worriedly.

She jumped and turned around to face me.

"Know what? What should I know!", she looked near hysterical. Scratch that. She _is_ hysterical.

I hung my head in sadness.

"The library is closed for the holidays", I showed her my dorm-made sign, which said, black writing on white:

_THE LIBRARY HAS BEEN CLOSED._

_HAPPY HOLIDAYS!_

"No!", she looked demented and dropped to writhe on the ground.

"This can't be happening! Can't be happening!", she rocked herself as she repeatedly chanted this.

Lavender Brown walked in, and asked Hermione, "Hey, aren't you going to the library Hermione?"

"It's closed", she whimpered in agony.

"Er, no it isn't. I just walked by, and Madam Pince asked me to tell you that your books are nearly overdue"

"ALICE!"

_At least I got the hysterical dementia agony pictures, _I thought as I slipped my camera into my pocket and poofed.


	7. Posters

I wrote the caption quickly in the Slytherin Common Room on the last poster.

"Hey, YOU!", I pointed to a little first year.

"Stick these around the Great Hall"

He scurried off with the posters, rolled up, blocking his face.

I kept my own poster and skipped off to the library.

"We're off to see the Gryffindor, The nerd of the school...", I sang.

"Hey Hermione!", I whisper yelled once inside the library.

"WHAT!", she whisper yelled back.

Actually, hers was more yell than whisper, but whatever...

"Look!", I shoved the poster under her nose.

She read it.

Hermione Granger, Gryffindor princess of the school

_Goes mad as told that the school library, run by a_

_Madam Pince, is closed for the holiday._

_She then proceeds to..._

"ALICE!"

"At least I got a good shot of your face...", I muttered as I poofed.


	8. Banned

**Hello, my readers...**

I skipped quietly into the library.

I stole Harry's invisibility cloak just in case. I was right behind Hermione now, so I screamed at the top of my lungs, "ALICE!"

I put on the cloak in just the time where Hermione could turn and see, but when Madam Pince came, she couldn't.

"Hermione Granger, this is the last warning I'm giving you for yelling while others are trying to study!", she hissed and stalked back to her desk.

I stuffed a chocolate frog in Hermione's mouth and put a small soda on the table, effectively splashing the library book.

Madam Pince heard the splash. She came.

"HERMIONE GRANGER! YOU ARE _BANNED_ FROM THE LIBRARY!"

"But- but, Alice!"

"Ms. Granger! How dare you try and blame someone who is not here! Leave this library immediately and report for detention with Mr. Filch at eight at night every night for the week!"

"ALICE!"


	9. Harmony

"Hey, HERMIONE!", I yelled happily as I skipped into Gryffindor common room.

"What?", she groaned.

"New Fanfiction posted!"

I handed over my laptop and she read the oneshot.

"GAH! My eyes! MY EYES!", she yelled as she fled to the dorm where she repeatedly rubbed water and eye sensitive soap into her damaged and scarred eyes.

"Oh, so it didn't happen?", I asked innocently.

"NO!"

"Oops"

"WHAT OOPS! DON'T TELL ME YOU-"

"I already passed it to Lavender Brown to read."

"HERMIONE! How could you!", Romilda Vane wailed as she burst into the room, as did other Harry fangirls.

"ALICE!"


	10. SSHG

_Snape lifted up her school skirt to..._

"GAH! Take it away! Who _are_ these sick people!"

"Writers, I guess?", I quipped.

"They are _not_ writers, they're monsters! They know nothing of the meaning of legal and illegal! The ministry wouldn't allow it, let alone the muggle police force-"

I yawned and she narrowed her eyes at me.

"Am I _boring_ you with the TRUTH?", she screeched.

"I'm sleepy", I stated, curling up and closing my eyes on her bed. "If you want to bore someone, bore your beloved Sev-"

"ALICE!"

"Fine, I'll sleep in my _own_ bed", I poofed away.


	11. Bugs bunny

"Hey Hermione!", I yelled in a sing song voice.

"What?", she groaned, rubbing her temples.

"You remind me a lot of a celebrity I saw on TV!", I said in the same sing song voice.

She sat up straight and brightened up immediately.

"Who?", she asked eagerly.

"He was in a TV show I watched when I was little. I watched it everyday and—"

"HE!", she screeched.

"Yeah, Bugs bunny, who else?", I rubbed my chin thoughtfully.

"ALICE!"


	12. Dentist Daughter Ripoff

I've always wondered about this…

"Hermione!", I yelled in faux-anger. "Didn't you demand your rights?"

"About what?", she asked, clueless.

"YOUR TEETH!", I yelled.

All of the sane people in the Gryffindor tower turned to stare at me.

"What do you mean?", she asked.

"Your parents are dentist, yet your teeth are—", I made walrus teeth signs with my fingers.

"GAH!", Hermione stood up.

"Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask you—do you like carrots?"

"ALICE!"


	13. Troll Student

"HERMIONE!", I've been looking everywhere for you!", I said, rushing over to her, panting theatrically.

"What?", her voice sounded urgent.

"I know all your results, Professor McGonagall told me", my words rushed out and tumbled over each other.

"WHAT!", she practically screeched. "Tell me!", she ordered.

"You got all Ts", I said gravely.

"What? T?", she looked hysterical.

"T as in Troll", I informed her.

"I KNOW!", she yelled.

Professor McGonagall came just then, and grabbed Hermione's hand.

"Congratulations, you ranked as the Brightest witch of the Age, Hermione! If you would come to my office to accept the certificate…"

"So I didn't get all Ts?", Hermione sounded astounded.

"No! Of course not!", McGonagall's turn to sound astounded.

"ALICE!"


	14. Enrolled and accepted model

**Back again! I got my first ever Beta break for BrindleRo16. Check her out; three chapters already, and it will comeback after a tiny break.**

"HEY HERMIONE!", I yelled as I skipped into the Great Hall.

"I got you signed up for a competition on Muggle TV!"

"WHAT!", she upset the jug of pumpkin juice over Ron.

"_Scourgify._ Why?", she waved her wand in Ron's direction, and he immediately turned clean.

"I _felt_ like it. It's called, er…", I rustled around my shoulder bag for the pamphlet I asked my sister to get.

"America's Next Top Model"

"WHAT!"

"And you got accepted!", I waved the acceptance letter above my head.

"ALICE!"

"Be ready in an hour!"

**Anyone is welcome to take the idea of Hermione as a model…but only I can make it Dramione. SO BACK OFF!**


	15. STHUG

Inspiration goes to story: MudLove. Sorry author, I forgot your name.

"GET YOUR S.P.E.W BADGES HERE!", Hermione yelled in the common room.

I conjured up a box.

"GET YOUR S.T.H.U.G BADGES HERE!"

I was immediately swarmed with people waving Sickles and Galleons in my face.

After it cleared up, Hermione came to me fuming as I put on an innocent face.

"What does STHUG mean?", she asked, grudgingly polite.

"Shut The Hell Up Granger!", I said cheerfully.

"ALICE!"

"FREE BADGES!", I yelled as I tipped over the box and apparated.


	16. FAILURE!

"Hermione", I said seriously as I walked into the Gryffindor Common Room importantly.

"What?", she asked calmly.

"Can you answer a question for me?"

She frowned. "What?"

"Are you sure you can answer it?"

"Um…Yes?"

"Are you completely, 100% sure you can?"

"I can try?", it came out sounding like a question.

I looked into her eyes deeply, fake concentrating.

I put on mock sadness as I shook my head.

"YOU HAVE FAILED ME HERMIONE!", and I let out a fake wail which was punctuated with laughter.

Her face colored.

"ALICE!"

"FAILURE!"


	17. Athena's daughter

I held the printed-paper in front of me as I walked towards Hermione.

I pointed at her and dropped the print out on her lap.

"Your mommy's Athena", I said in a childish voice.

"Not a demigod, Alice", she said, not even looking at the paper.

"Your sister is my brother's girlfriend, and when they get married", I paused.

"WE'LL BE RELATED!", I threw my arms around her, knocking the pumpkin juice on her.

"ALICE!"

"PEACE OUT, SISTAH!"


	18. Push and flop

HI! I got a forum, called Hogwarts, the first. Find it and check

Hermione was telling off a bored looking Malfoy, yet again.

I snuck behind her quietly, and pushed her.

She fell into Malfoy, and while they were busy (Fine, "Ew"ing), I snuck away.

"ALICE!"

"Damn"

So, Kiddies who want to be spies and/or ninjas, never flop on your belly and try to wriggle away like a snake if you want to be inconspicuous to two kissing lovers.


	19. Workmarks

"RON!", Hermione yelled, frantically combing through the papers on her desk.

"What?", he asked, popping his head through the door.

"Did you take my homework?", she asked, patting down her frizzy hair.

"No"

"Okay", she went back to looking through her desk.

"Alice, have you seen my homework?"

"What subject?", I said in a bored tone as I read my book, hanging upside down.

"Potions—"

"Essay on moonstones?", she nodded mutely.

"I cut them into strips and sold them as bookmarks", I said, showing her the one bookmark I kept for myself.

"ALICE!"


	20. MetaRuler

This one is kinda disgusting for anyone un-shipping of Harmony, little kiddies, cover your eyes. And ears.

I Meta morphed into Harry Potter.

I went to find Hermione before I lost my concentration in something sparkly, whereby my morph would wear off.

"HERMIONE MY LOVE!", I yelled as I entered the Great Hall.

She looked up confused.

I had stuffed a stupefied Harry into a broom closet a few minutes earlier.

"Hermione, Do me!", I yelled in a Harry voice.

She looked horrified and smacked her head with a clipboard until it bruised.

I said extremely annoying and clichéd pick up lines, like, "Your father's a thief, and he stole the stars to put in your eyes", and more, ahem, _suggestive_ ones.

Then I saw something sparkly and Harry burst into the Great Hall at the same time, shouting, "NO! I'M STRAIGHT AS A RULER!", having heard the last one.

"I'm a GIRL, you imbecilic—ALICE!"

"Harry told me to!"


	21. Stampede of Cowards

I gathered my ranks of Dramione authors to convince Hermione to see the light.

I, of course, was leading the writers and readers.

We schemed and planned in a secret forum, and the morning of our attack dawned dark and late at midnight.

Breaking clichés, Alice Fate Santiago.

I told the Fat Lady that I was on Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore's orders, and she let us through. It WAS true.

We stormed her dorm, yelling, "DRAMIONE FOREVER!", and, "HERMIONE MALFOY!", and things of the like.

She spotted me, handing out the rotten fruit which some she dodged; some hit her, some which splattered against her Protego charm, and various others, which Crookshanks ate.

And she yelled so loud all my ranks stopped and said, "You're on your own" or, "See ya when you review" and simply, "Bye"

She yelled, "ALICE!"

"COME BACK YOU COWARDS!"


	22. Not a Prude

This one is extremely disturbing…Fred lifted her on top of George's back as he…

"WHAT THE HELL!", she exclaimed, throwing my laptop across the room.

Anticipating it, I put a slowing charm on my precious, and Accio-ed it.

"What's WRONG with all these authors! When I do it, I only do it with one person!", she ranted.

"WAIT!", she looked at me as I screamed.

"What?", she asked sullenly.

"You said 'when'…Hermione Jean Granger, you have done the deed!"

"No, I haven't!", her face went red as she lied.

"HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER HAS DONE IT AND IS NOT A PRUDE!", I yelled, standing on the table in the Great Hall.

Everyone looked at Hermione, and burst out laughing.

"I HAVE A RECORDING!", I yelled, producing the tape recorder I had on.

They listened to the recording and all looked at Hermione again, except it was in agape mouths.

"ALICE!"

"You broke the quiet!"


	23. Herman

"Hey…", I stretched it out as I extended my fist.

"Herman", I finished.

"I'm a GIRL, if you haven't noticed", she said, crossing her arms.

"So…Hermanette?"

"ALICE!"


	24. Mudblood meanings

"You know Hermione", I said, looking over the top of the book in the Great hall.

"What?"

"There was a new meaning for mudblood when you came into school, and everyone, especially the purebloods, know what it means"

"So, enlighten me"

I took a deep breath.

"Mudblood means gorgeous brunette bird"

"ALICE!"


	25. My Immortal:RUN

I put the laptop in front of Hermione.

"This is painful stuff. Be warned", I told her as I caught the page of the first chapter.

**A few minutes later:**

"AH! TAKE IT AWAY! REPORT! PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE, HEEEEEELP!"

She threw her arms around me, sobbing.

I patted her back soothingly, and said, "There there. At least you get to be with Ron…I mean Diabolo"

"Just shut it", she sniffled.

"No, seriously, it sounds like, EVIL! But don't get me started on Bloody Mary"

"ALICE!"

**I didn't put the apostrophe in Bloody. I no like red squiggles.**


	26. Bad hair day: RUN MORE!

I had warned you…this was being written at six in the morning where I am

Hermione groaned as she sat across me in the great hall.

"My hair isn't co operating with me," she complained.

My eyes bulged as I stared at her head for a full minute.

It had frizzed out into layers like a mad scientist's.

There were multiple split ends, which were visible due to the bushy length of it.

I stood on my chair slowly, and yelled loudly so the whole Hall could hear.

"REMAIN CALM! DO NOT PANIC! AND RUN!" I pointed at her the whole time.

"ALICE!"


	27. Too Sirius and other puns

**This will probably make no sense, but eh.**

"Hermione", I said Siriusly, "You're too Sirius"

She glared at me, and I added quickly, "Excuse the pun"

"What pun?"

"The potter head Sirius-serious pun"

"Oh"

"So you Siriusly didn't know it, miss know it all? And excuse the pun", I said slyly.

"What pun?", suspicious again.

"The one I _made up_", I said.

"WHICH ONE?", she yelled.

"That one! See, _Witch_ on! You're learning Hermione!"

"Oh. Fine"

"But I still meant what I said. You're _way_ too Sirius."

"ALICE!"


	28. My man

"Hey Herman, my man!", I stretched out the a as I extended my fist to bump to Hermione.

"I'm a girl in case you didn't notice," still not looking up from her book.

"No, I had to face the painful truth after chapter twenty six, but would you rather I called you 'Girl with bad hair day'", I stretched the a in day, and extended my fist to bump.

"ALICE!"


	29. Young love

Hermione and Malfoy were having one of their daily fights over a silly, trivial thing.

I whistled as I walked by and said loudly, "Ah, Young love!"

"ALICE!"


	30. Mon

"Hey, mon, where you been?", I said with a thick Jamaican accent.

"Cut the accent, Alice", she said, sighing.

"What accent mon?", I asked innocently.

"I'm not a 'mon', or a 'man' I'm a girl!", she worked herself up.

"Then where are your pigtails, _mon_?"

"ALICE!"

"BUT MON—"


	31. Confuzzled

"Hey Hermione", I appeared next to her with a clipboard and pen.

"What?", she snapped.

"If you're the brightest witch of the age, I want to ask you some questions and answer"

"Shoot", she sunk into a chair.

"Confuzzled is a compound word. What are the two words that make it?"

"Er…"

"Times up"

"What? That was three seconds"

"Precisely"

"ALICE!"


	32. Riddle

"Hermione, I got a riddle for you", I said as I sat in the chair opposite her.

Why must these Gryffindor chairs be so _froufy_?

"What?", she asked confidently, and she sat up straight.

"_Once as I was going to street Ives, I saw a man with seven wives, each wife had seven packs, each pack had seven cats, each cat had seven kits. How many people were going to street Ives?_", I recited.

Hermione screwed up her face.

After about a Mississippi, I yelled "TIMES UP!", just before she answered.

"Can't I at least tell you the answer?", she crossed her arms.

"ANSWER TIMES UP!"

"ALICE!"


	33. Rose Petal Occassion

I walked around the room of my cousin's engagement, collecting petals.

When I got back to Hogwarts, I skipped to Hermione.

"Look at what I got, Hermy!", I threw thousands of petals on her.

I threw so many, which I multiplied by tens on their way down, that she was buried in rose petals now.

"What's the _occasion_?", she asked sarcastically.

"Your wedding!"

"To who?", her face turned confused.

I turned away without answering, and called over my shoulder.

"You'll be Hermione Malfoy by tomorrow!"

"ALICE!"


	34. Wide Beaverette

"Hermione!", I yelled, dumping a white froufy dress on her bed.

She jumped, and sighed.

Hermione retreated to the bathroom with the dress in tow to change.

She came back, dressed in said white froufy dress.

"Start there", I pointed towards the other end of the bedroom.

"What about music?", she asked, once in that exact spot, with many, "TO THE RIGHT!" s, and "TO THE LEFT!" s, and "PERFECT! NO STAY!" s from yours truly.

"I'll take care of that, you just walk as though Draco Malfoy's here waiting for you"

She gave me a glare, and walked down the aisle like a true good little bride.

I waved my wand, and organ music started.

I conjured a microphone, and sang the words. "Here comes the—", I tailed off, looking at the bride. The organ paused as well, as did the bride.

"Beaverette, all dressed and wide", I continued.

"ALICE!"

**The words idea came from reading Junie B. Jones (Who likes B and that's all!). R&E&R**


	35. Jealous

Eek! I'm sorry I didn't update for three days when I said everyday, but I was short on ideas. Last night I had a creative outburst and wrote all the idea/chapter names.

"Hermione, aren't you ever jealous of the fact you are constantly overshadowed by Harry Potter?", I asked quizzically as I sat on the arm of her arm chair.

"No, why?", she continued scribbling her essay on the parchment.

"Even though you're probably the reason he's alive at the moment?", I asked.

She straightened up and glared at me, "What are you trying to do here?"

I ignored her and leant back against the backrest, "Even though you're the brightest witch of the age?"

"Okay, fine, what if I was a little jealous when I first met him?", she looked suitably annoyed.

I stood, dangerously close to falling, on the armchair's arm.

"HEY EVERYONE HERMY'S JEALOUS!", I yelled at the top of my voice.

Which is actually extremely loud.

"ALICE!"


	36. Quotathon

"Don't worry, you're just as sane as I am!", I said as I walked up to Hermione.

"What?", she asked, looking up.

"ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!", I yelled.

She jumped and said, "How did you—"

"Cinderella, is that a disease?", I asked.

"Will you just—"

"There's no need to call me sir, professor"

"Shut up—"

"Blimey, Sirius was right, you are just like my mother"

"ALICE!"


	37. Thought you were someone else

"Alice, do you—", Hermione called after me as I walked down the hall.

"Oh, hi Cho", I said, walking past her.

!

"Hey, Alice, can you pass—", Hermione asked, slipping into her seat, and I cut her off as I got up quickly.

"Hey, Luna, gotta go"

!

"Alice, will you just—", Hermione started, annoyed.

"Bye, Draco, gotta go annoy Hermione. Oh, you are Hermione", I shrugged and continued, "Couldn't see the difference"

"ALICE!"


	38. Pronouciation Problems

"Herm-ow-ninny!", I said with a thick Bulgarian accent.

"It's Her-my-knee!", she pronounced it syllable by syllable as she spun to face me.

I put on a serious (Something tells me not to make the serious-Sirius pun at the moment, but aw, come on!) face and said, "The opposite would be He-your-elbow, I assume"

"Don't mock my name"

"I only mock the Wil'm Shakp"

"Huh?", she put on a confused look.

"Tsk tsk, do you know nothing of your creator"

"Cut the Castle, whatever it is, references"

"NEVER, FAIR HE-YOUR-ELBOW! Hey, that sounds kind of catchy", I added as an afterthought of truth.

"ALICE!"


	39. Scissoring

"Scissoring!", I yelled for the fifth time that day, and snipped off a corner of Hermione's parchment which she was writing on.

"Stop it already!", she yelled, exasperated.

"SCISSORING!", I almost would've snipped off her nose, had she not jerked away.

"Stop!"

"NO! Succumb to the power of SCISSORING!", I snipped at her shirt.

"ALICE!"


	40. Dump the badges

"Hermione", I sat next to her, "Have you ever wondered or considered that the elves have a reason to not want to go on vacation or be paid?"

"Why wouldn't they?", she asked, handing out badges which were thrown away minutes later.

"Maybe the only reason they humor you is because you're their mistress?", I continued.

She stopped handing badges abruptly.

"I never thought of that"

"No one ever thinks of the truth", I said gravely.

Her eyes went suspicious. "Is this a put on?", she asked, her voice oozing with suspicion.

"Of course not", I said, pretending to be shocked she would consider such a thing as I signaled behind my back to a couple of people who were sick and tired.

While I distracted Hermione, they carried away the box of badges, which I knew she had gone to great lengths to have, and they were the only ones left.

The group hauled them out the window, and they went with a _**CRASH**_.

Hermione whipped her head to the sound, and saw her precious badges going out the window.

"ALICE!"


	41. Feet

**Thanks to these two reviewers who got me writing! Itscalledswaggerbitch and CryingMoonLight Awesome, thanks guys!**

Hermione had insisted I came with her to the greenhouses to do some Herbology.

We were at the other side of the castle at that time, so we had to walk the length of the castle, and then to the greenhouses without a break.

Stupid Hermione.

Halfway to the greenhouses, I was acutely aware of my sweaty feet.

"Hey Hermione! My feet are sweaty! And shiny! Are your feet sweaty, and shiny!", I asked in a singsong voice.

"Shut up, Alice"

"Tell me if your feet are sweaty, and SHINY!"

"FINE THEY'RE SWEATY AND SHINY!", she yelled.

"No, you have to pause in between sweaty and the word and, and Shiny has to be more sing songy than yelly"

"ALICE!"


	42. Thanks, drop it off there

"Ooh, look Hermione!", I pointed at the black lake where the Giant Squid's tentacle had popped up.

In the process, I purposely dropped my bag in Hermione's arms.

When I came back from my intense staring at the Black Lake, I walked past Hermione.

She hurried towards me and yelled, "Alice, your bag!"

"Oh yeah, thanks, you can drop it off in my common room", I said carelessly.

"ALICE!"


	43. A theory and A Dramione

"Hermione", I said siriusly as I plopped down next to her on the bench in the Great Hall, "I got a theory"

"What?", she asked, looking up from her book and croissant.

"I have glasses, and you don't", I stated.

"So?", she said, clueless. Aw, how naïve.

"_So,_ I have glasses, which point to the fact that I got more hours of studying than you"

"No, you're just on the computer more"

"But it gives an impression, then people will doubt you. When they doubt you, you will feel small, when you feel small, you slip in studies. And when that happens, I'll be the smartest because I'm the third, after Malfoy"

"But won't Malfoy be the top then?"

"No, because he'll be too busy with his, uh", I cleared my throat, "Hormones, or something. What, do you want him to be?", I raised an eyebrow.

"NO! It's just he'd be better than you—"

"HEY! HERMIONE THINKS THAT MALFOY IS SMART!", I yelled

"ALICE!"


	44. Mimicking the pee

Hermione was in the middle of lecturing us poor people, who had happened to be in the close vicinity of her, when I raised my hand.

She raised her eyebrow and stared at my waving hand for a moment before she called on me.

"Yes, Alice?", she asked skeptically.

"Can I go pee?", I asked desperately.

"No", she said shortly after a moment passed.

A few minutes later, I interrupted Hermione's Goblin war stupor, and yelled, "Gotta go pee!"

Hermione took the bait, hook, line and sinker.

"FINE! JUST GO!", she screeched.

"Go where?", I said in a wounded voice, "Do you really hate me that much Hermione?"

"But…you said…pee…", she seemed at loss for words.

"Yeah, I was mimicking someone", I said.

"Who then?", Hermione grinned at her *cough* not *Cough* triumph.

"Gosh Hermione", I stared at her indignantly, "Can't you give the less strong-willed bladdered some privacy?"

Then she was at loss, again, for words.

"ALICE!"

Except that one.


	45. Ugly

"You know Hermione", I sat down next to afore-mentioned bushy haired squirrel/girl, "I haven't truly, plainly, bluntly, stark truth, called you ugly yet"

She took a moment for it all to sink in.

"What?"

"I. Said…", I started slowly, but she cut me off.

"I know what you said, but I'm not getting angry, because I know that if you don't have your name yelled fifty times per story, then you fail", she smirked.

"Alright then", I stood on the bench and yelled, "HERMIONE IS UGLY AND ADMITS IT!"

"ALICE!", then she swore under her breath, "Damn reflexes"

"YAY REFLEXES!", I yelled as I apparated away.


	46. Fake Love Note

"Hey Hermione", I whined, "I'm bored"

"Fine, what do you want to do?", she put down her book.

"Write a fake love note to Draco Malfoy!"

"Fine. From who?", she pulled out some girly pink paper back grounded with hot pink flowers.

"Harry!", I said excitedly like a four year old in Honeydukes for the first time.

Hermione tried to keep a straight face as she wrote a mushy, stupid poem.

I read it afterwards, and said to Hermione, "Wow, you really do love him, you know, all the conviction…I should open a betting pool for this…"

"What!", she looked horrified, "No, I just imagined—"

"Who do you love Hermione!", I sang as I danced around her.

"No one…"

"Then I assume it's Draco!", I changed _Harry_ to _Hermione_, and called my friend's owl.

"Take it to Draco", I yelled to the owl, who saved it from my hand and flew like bullet.

"ALICE!"


	47. Set the table Song

Hermione had signed us up for helping set the table for lunch in the Great Hall.

We started out, all of us, Hermione, several house-elves, and me setting the table.

"Hey Hermione!", I yelled. She jumped and almost dropped the delicate china plate she was carrying.

"What?", she sounded annoyed.

"Let's sing!", I twirled, my stack of plates wobbling dangerously.

"What, set the table song?", she snorted.

"Yeah!"

"How does it go, _Set the table, table set, set the table, table…_", she mocked.

"No, like this", I said, still setting the table as I sang.

"_Set the table, it's lunch time, _

_Set the table, it's time to eat!_

_Set the table, Plates and glasses, plates and glasses…"_, I repeated plates and glasses for quite a while, until the whole table was decked in china plates and crystal glasses.

"_And don't forget…"_, I zoomed to fetch a small, sturdy rubbish plate from Hermione, "_The side plate!"_, I stretched the a to the maximum point.

As we moved to the next table, I yelled, "SING WITH ME!", and the house-elves and I started to sing.

"ALICE!"


	48. Rainbow letter

Hermione yawned as she opened the letter a small gray owl had dropped next to her plate.

She opened it, unexpecting.

A puff of smoke and sparkle burst in Hermione face and surrounded her whole head.

When it disappeared, Hermione had rainbow hair.

"ALICE!"


	49. You got MAIL!

To morrow I post the last chapter. I'LL MISS YOU!

"Hey Hermione", I sang as I slipped on to the seat next to her.

"What?", she said grumpily, draining her goblet of pumpkin juice.

"You got MAIL!", I yelled, and grabbed the first letter off the stack next to her plate.

I stood on the bench and Began to read it aloud.

"DEAR HERMIONE, HOPE YOUR YEAR IS GOING WELL AT SCHOOL. THIS ALICE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT SOUNDS FUNNY. SEE YOU IN THE SUMMER, MUMMY KINS"

The whole hall exploded into laughter.

"Oh Hermione, you hate me that much!", I asked dramatically.

"ALICE!"


	50. The End Speech

**GROUP HUG!**

Staring.

The whole school was just staring at me.

"So, Hogwartians, who here has had a great big laugh from the fact that I annoyed miss Mione Granger multiple times, stand up and say, 'aye'"

The whole school, including all the teachers, and the Golden Trio, even Hermione, stood and said, "Aye"

"HAH!", I yelled, "YOU JUST GOT PIRATED!", I pointed at Hermione triumphantly.

"But so did everyone else!", she protested.

"But you're the only one who got the joke before hand!", I countered triumphantly.

"Miss Pirate Mione!", I added.

"ALICE!"


End file.
